tl;dr: Positivity is a choice. Learn to make intentional choices to be positive.
Finally have the time to sit and reflect on what has been a whirlwind of a year. It has been a year of many firsts - having my own classes and taking on FT-ship for a Sec 1 form class, among other new experiences.
As someone who has prided myself in being able to fulfil tasks assigned to me satisfactorily since I was a student, I found myself struggling to meet my own expectations of what/who a good teacher should be. Because after all, isn't work just like any other projects I have done in the past? Make a checklist, stick to it religiously, and the results will follow.
Item #1 on my teacher checklist was: Be a teacher who can deliver content effectively.
Looking back, this mentality probably didn't serve me that well, because teaching is not like any other job - there is no set formula that determines the success of a teacher and the effectiveness of a lesson. Having a great lesson resource doesn't necessarily mean that learning will take place. Learning can only take place when students are ready.
Because I was too bogged down by my expectations of my teaching resources, and wanting to deliver them as planned, I seemed to have forgotten what my role as a teacher is. A teacher is not just a knowledge imparting robot. As silly as it sounds, I seemed to have forgotten that a teacher is a human, that it is ok to show my emotions, make mistakes, and be vulnerable. All this doesn't make me less of a teacher. In fact, being genuine in my interactions with students would strengthen TSR.
I am a part of the learning environment and not just a part of the infrastructure. Positive or negative, my emotions/energy will rub off my students too.
I also forgot that my students are also humans, who have needs that need to be met before they are ready to learn. So when they are having an off-day, the question I should be asking is "which needs of theirs are not being met?" (e.g. routines, stability, expectations) instead of going down the self-doubt rabbithole of "why am I a bad teacher?".
Note to self: To create an environment conducive for my students (the flowers) to survive and thrive.
Continuing with the theme of unlearning, I realised that good TSR doesn't have to be about grand gestures like being there for students at 3 a.m. when they are down and troubled. A safe and healthy relationship can be as simple as being comfortable with each other’s presence or showing genuine curiosity about their hobbies and interests.
It was difficult to see the good in the moment, especially through my Negative Nancy lens. It took a lot of time and effort from certain fairy godmothers/fathers/brothers in the school to stop me from spiralling downwards even further, and to help me put things in perspective. So I will now put on my Positive Polly lens and count my blessings:
I am thankful for Raine for providing me a safe space to grow. I am thankful for Camille, for being such a strong pillar of support and showing me the ropes in terms of FT-ship. I am thankful for Ms Tang for unlooping my crazy brain whenever I am stuck. I am thankful for Joshua for being there as I sat and wept at the staffroom staircase. I am thankful for Charmaine's camaraderie. Also very thankful to have found a friend in Cheralyn even as we journey along in different schools.
I am also thankful for my students. As difficult as some days can be, they show me that what I do is meaningful and worthwhile. Some notes I received on the last day of school/extended curriculum:
Other small moments I want to remember/cherish:
To Wen Xin, try your bestest to remember that as you show grace to students, you should be gentle with yourself too. Celebrate small wins (finger claps), and take heart in the progress you have made, even if it feels like there is still a long way to go. Every day brings its own opportunities and challenges, and every lesson is a chance to have a fresh start. Continue to lean on the people around you, and you will be ok.
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